Life

Brief Moments of Clarity

June 7th, 2014 remains very clear to me. A bright burning hub floating up in all the cloudy aether, this was just one of those days. You know, one that really pops. It’s crisp and clear, like you pressed record and every tinge and every grin and a big beautiful world is up there on the screen, just kicking your ass happy.

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Lizz, the boys and I actually got out on the town and experienced some Madison magic for a change. Cows on the Concourse, Classics on State. The art of juggling three young boys in an urban environment filled with heavy crowds kept us alert – but happy – as we maneuvered between the beautiful cars and beautiful people.

Everyone smiling. This was a really happy day, one year ago, today.

It’s funny how completely different one day can be from the next.

I try to stop and think about this as often as I can. To taste every simple magical moment for as long as I can, letting it linger there, sparkling…leaving me – briefly – satisfied and happy. But everything keeps moving faster and faster and I’m tripping over myself trying to keep up. It’s just too easy to forget to pause and I’m too easily distracted. Cool cars and smiling faces have that effect on me. So many details, never enough time. Throw some reality at me and I just lose my shit.

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We all experienced that last June the 8th. Jeremay Buol left us and we’re still struggling with the loss. A certain song comes on, and there he is, riding shotgun. Not that he’d have ever let any of us drive, mind you. I find some awesome movie or a great new TV show and I reach for my phone to text him about it. Before I even know what I’m doing. I think about his death and my own life and mortality and wonder just where he is…and where I hope to go.

Times flies and the creases in my face grow deeper. Sure, my expressions grow more descriptive, but I understand less and less about the world surrounding me. A thicker brow and loosening jowls only serve to make my confusion more evident.

Clarity comes from the smiles and laughter shared with family and friends. A couple rules I’ve tried to focus on: Help where I can and try to be less of an asshole. Sure, it’s a struggle, but other than those things – love, family and friendship – what else is there?

Cheers to you, Buol. We fucking miss you. Wherever you are, you’ll be forever with us.

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