Over these past couple weeks I’ve been amazed at how much my outlook on things has changed. My thoughts on life, and what’s really important; about who I am and who I want to be…about how I want to be remembered; these things have been ever-present, floating somewhere between my casual smile and all the banal day-to-day small-talk…and where my mind seems to drift with every pause in the action.
So many questions and fears and emotions, and everything I struggle with and everything my friends struggle with – these things feel so sharp and dangerous. We’re vulnerable and adjusting to something we can’t really comprehend. Or, at least I am…
I have moments of real happiness and then my my drifts to him. Where is he? Where was he? Where are we? What is all of this, really?
Then, when I’m in the middle of some random thing…I ask myself, what would Buol do? Here was a dude that made choices that we admired. Sure, he pulled some bonehead moves in his day (just as we all have and will do), but the things that he did and the ways that he went about doing them, these things had a real positive impact with people. Sure, it’s a cheeseball cliché, but when I ask what Buol would do, I’m serious, for when he was critical of my choices, I (almost) always listened, as he was usually right.
And so, as I keep trudging along, trying to really feel the sun and the air; trying to focus on the trees for what they truly are and continue, as we all do, to make some small sense of it all, I’ll keep that part of our friendship alive as much as I can in every little thing I do. I’ll return every message and reach out when I’m thinking of someone. I’ll make time for the important things, family & friends. I’ll try to make the right call every time, putting others before me and my selfish desires.
I mean, with even a small modicum of success, it’ll be as if he never left. If I keep focused on these things and keep my friend in my heart, he’ll always be with me, constantly telling me how much my favorite band sucks and how much that movie I saw wasn’t nearly as good as this other one he saw was. This other one, I just gotta see it. Believe him.